Santa’s better half

Zeus and Poseidon, Thor and Loki, Santa and his little sister.

History is littered with familial disparity. One sibling gets all the glory and the other is the left over. Well, let me tell you what Santa is really like.

Growing up it was all wedgies, wet willies and he even tried to buy “Go” in Monopoly. Wanted me to pay HIM every time I passed it.  What an asshole.

But that’s our past. The present concerns all good citizens of Earth. Even today, Santa is a jerk. Everyone knows Rudolph, but prior to Rudolph there was another reindeer in charge. The previous head reindeer was Fidel. He tried to unionize the reindeer. Santa turned him into jerky. The other reindeer learned their lesson. Rudolph is treated well, but that’s because he finks on the other reindeer and keeps them in line for Santa. Rudolph is a scab.

Everyone thinks Santa is this wonderful guy, but here’s the real scoop. Why do you think he comes down the chimney? Normal people are welcomed in through the front door. He is a total creeper.  Roaming around people’s houses while they sleep? That’s not some jolly merry maker. That’s breaking and entering. People get shot in Texas for far less. How does he get away with it? Santa is the original meta data collector. The NSA took a page from his frozen play book. He knows who’s naughty and nice? That’s just media spin on privacy violations. Elves and a workshop? Sweatshop labor. And just why are the elves so small? Malnutrition. That fat bastard won’t even feed them properly. There’s a reason why no one can find his workshop, he doesn’t want prying eyes. Transparency is the arch enemy of a crooked employer.

His sleigh runs on belief??? Oh come on, that’s clean energy that he isn’t sharing with the rest of the world. Why? Santa is in the pocket of the oil and natural gas industry. I hear he’s going to lease out plots at the North Pole for oil exploration. Nevermind that the North Pole is the only natural habitat of the Abominable Snowman.

So that’s the real story on Santa. But! There is a silver lining. I learned from his mistakes. Down here, at the SOUTH Pole, we live the good life. There’s no sneaking around, getting all sooty from sliding down the chimney to watch people sleep (gross).  The United Indigenous Peoples of the South Pole (they felt that “elf” was a bit derogatory) are treated well. They get healthcare. Superior working and living conditions have even lead to an increase in height. And rather than working them to the bone, they are allowed to come and go as they please. I welcome tourists to the South Pole. I run things down here in a manner that allows for total transparency. When my United Indigenous People of the South Pole (affectionately “Polies”) get into the liquor, as they tend to do, a little too often, we treat them, not punish them.

So screw Santa and his media spin machine. Don’t buy into it. The South Pole is the place to be. There are no sweatshop labor produced trinkets, but there is always plenty of ice for your mojito. We have lots of sunshine in the summer and auroras in the winter. Abby (the Abominable Snowman, as he’s known around these parts) vacations down here pretty frequently and is always happy to sign autographs, just don’t make any sudden moves if he’s been drinking.

This Christmas, don’t buy into the hype. Use the six inches between your ears. And come visit the South Pole, where there’s free health care, plenty of food and a healthy respect for our citizens.img_9672-2sunset-road

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